It wasn't a dramatic exit but a calm, determined decision to reclaim my life and sense of well-being.
1. Describe the moment when you knew you had to tap into your inner courage and make changes in your life.
I knew that I had to tap into my courage and make changes in my life to break free from the cycle of manipulation, blame-shifting, and emotional abuse. At this time, something inside of me shifted and I could not go back to how things had been.
2. Walk us through the pivotal moment when you decided to act courageously. What was going through your mind? How did you feel at that moment?
I remember feeling an overwhelming sense of exhaustion, from the constant emotional turmoil and sense of walking on eggshells. I felt a deep, quiet resolve rise within me, a realization that I deserved better, that this toxic environment was eroding my sense of well-being and sense of self. At that moment, it felt like the veil had been lifted from my eyes. I knew deep inside that I needed to be free from the ups and downs, anxiety, and self-doubt. I envisioned a life where my worth wasn't determined by someone else's volatile whims. This vision gave me the courage TO MAKE THE HARD decision to leave. It wasn't a dramatic exit but a calm, determined decision to reclaim my life and sense of well-being.
3. What inspired or motivated you to take the courageous step you did? What were a few of the first steps you took? What major actions did you have to take?
I first reached out to a trusted counselor and then to a few family members, confiding in them for the first time. Their unwavering support affirmed my decision. As I learned more about gaslighting, love bombing, manipulation, blaming, and shaming, I discovered that what I was experiencing was called narcissistic abuse. Each small step toward getting stronger was an act of bravery and self-love. This pivotal moment marked the beginning of my journey to untangle myself from the abuse and reclaim my power. I chose to prioritize my well-being and reclaim my power.
Before encountering the challenge of untangling from narcissistic abuse, my life felt like a constant struggle for validation and peace. At first, there were moments of charm and affection that drew me in, making me believe I had found something special. However, these moments were fleeting, replaced by a pervasive sense of unpredictability and emotional turmoil. I shrunk into a corner, feeling small, insignificant, and as if I didn't matter.
5. Were there any doubts or fears you had to overcome before taking action? How did you manage them?
Yes oh my goodness a big yes. Untangling from Narcissistic abuse is a daunting process, and the fears associated with it can be paralyzing. I felt like I was dealing with a terrorist, the emotional abuse, threats, and mind games were unfathomable. Managing these fears required a combination of planning, emotional support, praying, self-care, and rebuilding my self-esteem.
6. What were some of the challenges or obstacles you faced during your journey to overcome this particular challenge?
Low self-esteem, after a handful of years of manipulation and subtle put-downs can damage or take its toll on self-worth, making it difficult to believe in your ability to thrive and break free. The narcissists' gaslighting often leaves you questioning your perceptions and decisions, creating a pervasive sense of doubt and confusion. I also faced him threatening to take my home, my business, and more money. I faced the court and his delaying divorce forcing it to trial and extending the trial many times which cost more, time, energy, and money.
7. Tell us about a memorable anecdote or turning point in your courageous journey.
It was a cold fall evening when the veil was lifted from my eyes. I sat crying on the couch in disbelief. The next morning, his behavior confirmed that something was seriously wrong. He began yelling that our marriage was over because I wouldn't give him more money. I had asked him to handle his part of the bills and cover the bare minimum, explaining that I couldn't keep paying for everything. Just a week before, I had given him a significant amount of money, more than he needed to cover the "bills he agreed to pay." Later, I discovered he had 12 credit cards maxed out, spending who knows what on.
He screamed at me, blaming me for ruining the marriage and hoping I was happy with myself. Through my sobs, I couldn't understand why he was saying these things. I left that night because he wouldn't stop screaming. I called my family, crying and asking for prayers, and spoke to a counselor to gain some perspective. The counselor told me he was using and abusing me, blaming me for his lack of responsibility. This moment marked the beginning of my journey to reclaim my life and prioritize my well-being.
8. What role models or sources of support helped you stay strong and resilient?
My family, children, and counselor all helped me stay strong. I also dedicated myself to studying more about narcissism to understand what I was dealing with. Additionally, I found a wonderful program focused on abuse recovery, which helped me understand the importance of staying strong, being brave, and freeing myself from the cycle of abuse.
9. How did this experience impact your life and your perception of courage?
This experience of breaking from narcissistic abuse profoundly impacted my life, leading to significant personal and professional growth and a deeper understanding of courage. It reshaped my identity and improved my well-being. Most importantly, it redefines courage as a series of persistent, often quiet acts of bravery, highlighting the strength in vulnerability and the power of reliance. This journey not only empowered me but also equipped me to support and inspire others facing similar challenges.
10. What lessons or wisdom have you gained from this experience that you'd like to share with others?
From this experience of breaking free from narcissistic abuse, I've gained several profound lessons and pieces of wisdom that I would like to share with others who might be facing similar challenges:
- You deserve respect and love.
- Trust your inherent value. Healthy relationships are based on trust, mutual respect, and love, not control and belittlement.
- Trust your instincts.
- Setting boundaries is essential.
- Seeking help is a sign of strength.
- Healing is a journey, not a destination.
- You are not to blame.
- Rediscovering yourself is empowering.
- Resilience and courage can be found in the smallest actions.
- Empathy and compassion grow through adversity.
- Life after abuse can be beautiful and fulfilling.
11. What unexpected or positive outcomes emerged from your courageous actions?
Rediscovering my worth and confidence, building a stronger foundation and friendships, empowerment through independence, Enhanced empathy and advocacy, personal growth and resilience, the pursuit of new opportunities, and being a positive role model.
12. How do you define courage, and how has your definition evolved through your own experiences?
Through my journey of breaking free from narcissistic abuse, my definition of courage evolved from a perception of dramatic, fearless actions to a recognition of the quiet, persistent strength needed to face and overcome adversity. Courage became about the daily choices to prioritize my well-being, the willingness to be vulnerable, and the ongoing commitment to personal growth and advocacy for others.
13. Is there a particular message or advice you'd like to convey to other women who may be facing similar challenges?
You are not alone, empower them to seek help, affirm their worth, encourage boundary setting, provide resources and options, emphasize self-care, give messages of hope of healing, and remind them of their strength.
14. In retrospect, do you have any regrets or things you would have done differently?
Yes, I would have sought help sooner, set boundaries earlier, prioritized self-care, and listened to my counselor a few years earlier. while there may be aspects of my journey that I wish I had handled differently, it's important to recognize that hindsight is always clearer.
15. How has this experience shaped your identity or sense of self?
Each experience, whether positive or negative has contributed to my growth and resilience, instead of dwelling on regrets, i can focus on lessons learned and use them to empower myself and others in similar situations.
16. What would you say to someone who is hesitant or afraid to take a courageous step in their life?
I would validate their feelings, remind them of their strengths, encourage self-compassion, focus on the why, offer support, and emphasize growth I would share personal experiences and offer reassurance that is ok to feel afraid, but taking the courageous step is often the first step towards positive change and growth. I would encourage them to trust in themselves and their ability to navigate through uncertainty. By offering empathy, encouragement, and practical support, you can help someone overcome their fear and take the courageous steps they've been hesitating to make.
Joanie is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and a wellness coach. She has a master's degree in applied Behavioral science and certification in Rewiring the Anxious Mind, CBT, and clinical supervision 1 and 2.
Northwest Counseling and Wellness with Joanie
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