Choosing Love Over Fear: The Brave Path That Transformed My Relationship & My Life!

"If you don’t like the love you’re getting, look at the love you’re giving." 💖

My partner, Calvin, and I had been struggling BAD. Even with a Masters and PhD in couple and family therapy, I still couldn't figure out how to make our relationship work. I could see the problems... and event their solutions, but nothing that I was trying with him to make things better was working. In fact, it felt like it just kept making things worse! And then the moment came when Cal gave me an ultimatum. Take it (the little he was giving me) or leave it (break up... again). I KNEW what it was like to live without him, and I KNEW I didn't want to do that again. Even though I was unhappy, and everyone else told me I should leave. My spirit told me there was something more here, love told me that there was a way if I kept going, and although I felt TERRIFIED (unhappy, unsafe, and untrusting of myself and Cal) I chose to stay. But I knew that if things were going to improve... something had to change. I couldn’t keep doing things the way I always had; they weren't working! And HE wasn't going to change right then; he made that clear. Which meant it was about me. Looking at what I needed to do to create changes. It was a tough pill to swallow!

Honestly, I felt scared and hugely unsure of myself. And... I felt stubborn and rebellious too! Like, “F*ck that, I’m not giving up.” It felt like standing at the edge of a cliff, choosing to leap… but then realizing I had to keep leaping, over and over again. I had plenty of opportunities to pull back, but I kept deciding forward. Each time, it took energy, faith, and a lot of self-talk to keep choosing courage instead of retreating into fear.

What inspired me was love. Deep down, I knew Calvin was worth it, and that our love was worth it. The first step I took was to stop blaming him as the problem and to stop looking to him to be the solution... waiting for HIM to change in the ways I was asking him to so things could get better. Instead, I asked myself, “What can I do?” I leaned into a liberating truth I had learned years earlier: If you don’t like the love you’re getting, look at the love you’re giving. That became my practice. I asked myself, "How could I make it easier for him to give? To want to give? To have more to give?" And I started there.

It was hard, painful, lonely, and draining at times. I was giving far more than I was getting, and it went against everything I thought I knew about healthy relationships. Everyone around me told me I was making a mistake. My ego, my pride, my sense of righteousness... all of that fought against me. It took tremendous faith to trust the process, and tremendous energy to let the small breadcrumbs of change be enough in the beginning, to feed myself in other ways, and to keep going until those crumbs became something much greater.

I discovered that one person has tremendous power to change a relationship, even if their partner isn’t doing the work with them. We’re already influencing our partners all the time; we just don’t usually realize how much impact we actually have. The moment we become conscious and intentional about it, things can shift dramatically. It’s not about doing all the work, or tolerating forever with no return. You need to know it's worth it, and you need a partner who’s capable of stepping up when they feel safe and invited in. But what I've learned is that when you can lead your relationships with empowered love, relational intelligence, and conscious action, you have given yourself the key to unlock everything you desire from those relationships... and the ripple effects of having relationships, especially a marriage that fills are hearts and fuels our dreams... are truly extraordinary. It touches EVERYTHING! And that truth has become the foundation of the work I now teach to other women and couples.

You don’t need to wait for your partner to be ready. You don’t need to waste your energy convincing, complaining, or begging them to change. If you want things to improve, take the lead. Your life and your happiness are worth it. When you learn to lead your relationship from a place of personal power, courage, and conscious choice, you’ll be amazed at what changes. They’ll either step up, or they won’t. But either way, you’ll no longer be stuck waiting. You’ll be living in your power, and you’ll be free.

I celebrate by sharing this message with as many women and couples as I can, because every woman deserves to know the power she holds. I celebrate by continuing to grow in my own relationship, refusing to settle, and daring to want more. I know my worth. I know my power. And I know the way forward. That’s a celebration of me, and I want every woman listening to celebrate herself in the same way.